Today I posted This..

This is motherhood:

Exhaustion. I run on empty most days trying to scramble to beat yesterday’s time. My two older kids are mouthy miniature mini-me with lots of energy- energy I don’t have anymore. I’ve cried hours trying to figure out this whole parenting thing…

.Most days I wish it away until I have moments like this. I realize that they are only so little for a very short time. It’s hard. One of the HARDEST damn jobs I’ve ever had in my life. But it also is the most rewarding job I’ll ever have. Because they love me regardless of how I look. They don’t judge me when I can’t say the right words. Most of the time they think I’m a pretty cool mom. But most of all their love is unconditional.

 

 

 

Three years ago I had strep, but it was so bad my fever caused me to blackout. A few days before that Savannah had the stomach bug then I caught it from her. Those two weeks in May were rough! Talk about a hot mess!  During this time I was a single mom of two. I worked a full-time job which didn’t even cover half of my bills. I was struggling, so missing work even for one day causes a lot of financial stress. It was the lowest of lowest points in my life where I was struggling mentally and physically trying to find myself all while trying to hold it together for my children. Those times made who I am today.  I learned to appreciate so much more than I had ever before.

Unfortunately, because of being so sick I had to take off work to not only take of myself but my girls. When I

was able to return to work after a week out total, I was asked into the office to chat with the district manager.  She told me to have a seat. As I sat down my heart sank. As we sat face to face she began to talk about me missing work and how important it was that I show up for work. I was a bit taken back by this because I always showed up to work unless there was a valid reason I couldn’t. In the same sense, they were cutting back our hours left and right.

The one thing out of this entire event that took place that still sticks into my mind was what she said to me.  They all knew I was a single mom working my ass off doing what I could do. They also knew I had no family nearby or any trustworthy friends to help if I needed.  I, of course, reiterated this again to her as to why I was unable to work those days. “I was unable to send my daughter to school. They do not let them go to school if they have had a fear within 24 hours.”   The words she spoke to me have rattled in my mind ever since.

“I was a single mom once, too. My daughter is diabetic but I made it work and I found people to watch her. How do you think I got this job?”

At first, I thought maybe she was giving me great advice so I could keep pushing forward but her demeanor with the statement was completely opposite of that. For some people, their children and family take a back seat while they work towards their success. I have never been that person. My children and my family come FIRST, always. I want to be just as successful as the next, but my children come first. When they need me I have to break away from my work in order to give them what they need. If my child is sick I have to take care of them. The biggest downfall with so many companies today is their management. There is no understandings with parents and sick days.  Shit happens, literally. People get sick. It’s inevitable.

Now to current. I have strep throat again. I work for myself now. When my children are sick I can take that time to be with them. If I am sick I can make the time to rest. I don’t have to stress the dreaded phone call to a disgruntled manager who may give you cold response when calling out.

Today, as I sit on the couch recovering holding my two-month-old I sit back and refer to that very moment where I had someone who made me feel worthless in a time I was struggling. I use that moment to refer back too to be proud of the sacrifices that I made or didn’t make to get here. To be a business owner able to take the day off, a week or even a month if I needed it.  I would rather work 80 hours for myself than 40 hours for someone else.  Yes, this month has been hell with Abigail my four years old taking an adventure into the woods, to ER visits in the same day, to being yelled at by your nine years old. It’s been hellish month.

Then I think back to those years where I was single mom working for someone else. I think of the times I was struggling mentally in different ways and how I was able to get through that. It’s hard being a mom. It’s hard being a mom in general. They don’t warn you of the bad days. We always see the pretty. The perfect. The moments we all get excited about and then wish we had. Social media is filled with lots of stories and pictures of perfect.  This certainly isn’t a pretty moment but a life lesson moment. A moment to reflect and appreciate the good in the bad.

This doesn’t mean it is perfect or even easy.  In fact, running a business and being a stay at home mom is fucking hard. It’s depressing at times because you don’t get the opportunity to break out and talk with other adults as often. You have to watch the same damn cartoons over and over again until you can literally repeat every word. Then there is days were its nice. I can go run errands do what I need too and still be productive with running a business anywhere. Then I have days were my kids act up. I am ready to pull my hair out. Sometimes I forget to call back clients, maybe added another day before returning emails. The balance isn’t always ideal, but I am trying.

I am thankful for being able to do what I do so I can help other moms and women find themselves. Even if sometimes I am working on a few hours of sleep.  We all need a day just to ourselves to appreciate what we have. Sometimes we take things for granted but when we get a moment to recharge we come back feeling refreshed and ready to roll! 

That is why I love what I do. When I work with my clients I get that chance to break away and recharge, but I am also helping someone else do the same.  This time allows me to come back and be the mom I want to be. So all you moms out there…. stay focus! Take time for yourself, go for a walk. Breathe!  Do not let anyone make you feel inferior. It’s hard not to let the words of someone else get you down.  If you do let it only be a for a few minutes then get yourself back up and keep going!  YOU GOT THIS ????