I have tried to write this post for months. I would write it down and then delete it again. I have been trying to put into words my thoughts without sounding like a “Negative Nancy”. It’s hard when you want to be real, like REAL REAL but not too real for fear people will think you’re been over dramatic. Anyways…..
This time last year my life was rolling right down the lane like a speeding car. I wanted to be the best and next to famous Boudoir Photographer, I had goals and though it might’ve taken my years to achieve them. I was going to get to them! I had these dreams of having my name in flashing lights, being known for something amazing and refreshing. I mean who wouldn’t want to be recognized for their talent and hard work? Last year I won the greatest awards in my career as a photographer. I never thought in a million years I would be holding on to such a wonderful title. My hard work for the last 13 years of just taking pictures paid off. Life was perfect, it seemed everything had finally feel into place and life was working out for me.
Then all of sudden it came to a very unsettling drop and like that life had me spinning. The last few months have been rebuilding months for myself and my life. Small steps and slowly but surely I am regaining the strength and courage to fight and rebuild this dream. My path is still unclear and my journey is still rocky and not certain. I am a struggling single mother, yes how embarrassing to admit to the world you’re a single and mother of two kids. If I had said this to you months ago I would’ve been able to look anyone in the eyes, now I hold my head up high, because I am doing this ON MY OWN! I don’t regret the life that I have now, in the beginning It was hard to accept and I kept fighting dead air. But the is fact I embrace every damn minute of it NOW. I will never get these beautiful tear felt moments back. Let’s be honest some days are hard and then there are others when I feel like I am on top of the world. I have had to make sudden choices to pick spending money I did not have to keep a business flowing or to find a job that was stable with a guarantee income. A photography business has it slow months and I wasn’t prepared for the unknown. The truth is I was scared! I wasn’t ready to take the last pennies I had to my name and invest in anything else because when I seen those little faces looking at me with tears in their eyes I had to act fast and be smart. It wasn’t about ME anymore or MY DREAM. It was about them and their future and their needs. It is what mothers do. They think for their children and put all their dreams and wants on hold because one day they’ll be the ones who will thrive off all the successful things you did to make their life great. That is why I choose to do what I did. I completely step back, broke without a dollar to my name and ran away from everything I work very hard to create. It was not easy and I was bitter, just down right bitter of everyone who was succeeding around me. I personally deleted people who was getting married, having another baby or business was booming. I was bitter and out of hate I couldn’t stand to watch anyone else be happy. Inside I was sad, I was depressed that everything I worked hard for and earned was taken away. People could not understand it, either could I understand my hate. It was so strong that it was slowly suffocating me. It took awhile to realize that holding on to such bitterness was the not answer to succeed. It took awhile before I realized that the answer was within myself. I had to learn to forgive someone who didn’t deserve it. Once I learned I had to forgive, I am not saying I have completely forgiving… I realized I could slowly get back MY LIFE. The life I created for myself and my children. In these last 10 months I have wanted to throw away everything I worked so hard to create and build. I even allow my entire business to fall to the ground while I was busy building a life for my family. I let a lot of people down, including people that were so confident in my ability to make it big. In the end I did what I thought was best and sometimes I think I should’ve tried a little harder.
-“I do not regret it! I take my set backs as a way of learning. If I didn’t have these struggles, these moments of having a pity party at 3am screaming and crying. I wouldn’t be able to sit here and proudly say I made it through the darkness all by myself.” I had no one to run too, many nights I sat up alone all by myself asking myself what “If I had done this or tried this”. The hard truth is no matter what you do right or wrong, sometimes it is never enough at that point in time. The days seem to all blend together and life didn’t make much sense. I personally hate winter months and it sucked even more that my time of hurt and darkness had to take place during the most difficult time of year for me. My struggles have allowed me to become a stronger and braver human. I have learned a lesson about life and what is most important in my life. I had take each hardship and break it down and learn from it. I have my days where I just don’t give a shit. I just don’t care about anything. I have had to learn instead of throwing myself a pity party. I take that time to recharge and focus on myself and my children! I shut everyone and everything else out to keep my thoughts straight ahead. I live for my little girls, they are what make this life meaningful and bright. I would do this all over again, to make sure they have what they need. I can always pick up where I left of at.
Today, I realized that sitting here hiding from everyone and everything is not the answer to healing my pain. I am an outgoing person who believes that personal challenges make great conversations. So here I am being so raw AND real with you. The one thing that I can say is I am not giving up on my dreams because life isn’t ideal. I am human. I am real and my struggles helped me learn about the best blessing.